God Made Me Special

Since starting college, I have grown greatly in my understanding of self confidence, and have come to understand that it is important to maintain a healthy sense of self pride and confidence, and that I am not created to be critical of myself constantly. I still have a huge problem with this. I become obsessed with what others think of me, and I believe that I look awkward and weird to others, so I am constantly preoccupied with what other people see when they look at me and what conclusions they come to about me when I spend time with them. It takes me a long time to trust people, and when I am in a group of new people or people I do not know very well, I am extremely nervous and do not know how to react.

I'm terrible at public speaking

Perhaps this is something that everyone struggles with, but I feel like I have more of a problem with this than others. I always feel sort of trapped because I do not think that my physical appearance is up to par and I am constantly measuring myself and comparing myself to others. I have a severe problem with acne, probably because I touch my face too much, with rock-bottoms any self esteem I might have, especially around others. I feel that I can never look pretty because of my skin problems and the fact that I'm slightly overweight and really short. I do realize that if I didn't have this skin problem I'd probably find something else to complain about, but it's hard to face myself in the mirror sometimes, and I never feel good looking or confident about my appearance.

I've never had a boyfriend, I seem to attract the kind of guy that I'm not attracted to, so I always end up getting disappointed or hurt or wondering if maybe I'm wrong for not liking the guy that likes me. I wonder if maybe my standards are too high, because I am not that great of a person to begin with. What if I am expecting to be with someone who is actually above me in looks and personality? What if I am no better than these people who like me that I don't find attractive and that is my problem? Am I actually too proud, or just stupid. Who knows.

I know that God has a plan for me, and I can do things. But I fight this. I made the Dean's List this past year and had all A's and one B this past semester, making my GPA about a 3.8 out of 4.0 overall. But I felt guilty about it, saying that I just had easy classes, and that was the reason why my grades were good. While my classes might have been easy, that does not mean that I didn't earn what I got. I immediately discredit myself when I accomplish something, excusing it away by some ridiculous circumstance. Why do I do this? Isn't God glorified when I do well and when I use the abilities he gave me? This is a daily struggle I deal with and one that I am afraid I will never conquer in my lifetime.

Me whenever I try to do something and look smart

I'm deadly afraid of social interaction with people I'm nervous around. I avoid I guy that I know likes me, even though I have already told him that I do not feel that way. I know that they worst that can happen is that I will tell him I don't like him, again, but I still feel the need to avoid him in every way possible. I stress out about being in a situation alone with a guy friend, or a person that I do not know well, because I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of interaction with the opposite sex, I can't just relax and be friends because I'm afraid of coming off as flirty.

I never know what to say, and what I do say sounds dumb

I hate myself but at the same time love myself for my interests. For the longest time I hid from people that I liked Korean music, K-drama, and anime, because I thought they would judge me for it, or think that I was someone who has some sort of fetish for Asians. Only recently have I been able to tell people my interests without waiting for judgement that usually doesn't come. But I love that I like these things. The fact that I like a variety of eccentric interests is what makes me me. But I was afraid of letting people see that side of me and hid, and prevented myself from potentially making friends because I seemed to have no personality.

I have no idea where this is from but it's cute

I've been turned off to being a nerd recently because I don't want to be labeled as someone who has problems with social interaction. Even though I've been told that I don't have said problems, I still feel that I do, and in that, I'm not trusting my friends, and my mother. I felt hurt that people wanted me to be with a guy that I felt had very poor social skills, and is very much a nerd, (also in my major) and I wondered if I was the same (level) as him. I thought this even though I was told the opposite. Why was I so afraid of this? Because this is something I am always insecure about. I've been told by others that I am fun to be around, I look like someone anyone could talk to, and seem mature. But I refuse to believe this, and continue to judge myself and others, wrongly.

I am who I am. God made me to be this person with these interests, worldviews, and friends. He gave me my love for reading, k-pop, and Doctor Who, but he also gave me His love, His Word, and the love of my mother and my friends. He gave me a passion and an interest in different cultures and getting to know the international students here on my college campus, and he gave me a love for technology, and the skills. This is who God made me to be, and it is my duty to accept who I am, and accept others and glorify God by loving them. Each person is different, and I found myself relying too much on stereotypes instead of seeing people and myself as individuals. Who cares if the people in my computer science major have a reputation and the stereotype of being bad at social interaction. I KNOW deep down I do not, because I have been told so by many people who love me and would not lie to me. So I can go forth, with courage, to become the person God plans for me to be.

"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised." 
(Hebrews 10:35-36 - ESV)

After this long post, I have decided that my only fault is my addiction to coffee

I Have a Bad Attitude, But I Don't Want to Change

First, let me get this out there; this post is not intended to hurt or offend anyone in anyway, and seeing as the person I am about to write about is not going to read this blog, and I am not going to refer to them by their name, this should be relatively safe. This is me ranting about a person in my life that is stressing me out and that I am having a bad and unChristian attitude towards. Someone has been annoying me for a while, and I need to get over it and move on, and the problem is, I'm not. Like, I think about how annoying this person is a lot, and I don't want to be around them, and have started going out of my way to avoid said person.

Last semester, I had liked a guy in one of my friend groups that I thought was really cool and I admired his respect for others and his self confidence. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way about me and therefore, when my friend told him I liked him, awkwardness ensued. At the same time, there was another guy that apparently liked me, and so I found out about that at the same time. I do not like this person. I never saw him that way at all. I don't find him attractive, and I don't like how he doesn't pick up on social queues. He found out I didn't like him, and we had a "conversation" where he confronted me on this. However, after relaying my feelings, he still seemed to follow me around everywhere. He was at every meal, and always had something to say to me. He even interrupted my conversations with other people to tell me something.

I started to get very annoyed with him. I found my self feeling very uncomfortable whenever he was in the room or talking to my friends, and I wanted to hide from him. Soon I realized that he was controlling me, or rather, I was letting him control me. So I outright ignored him. It took him a while to get the hint, and even now, I feel like he still thinks that I will like him at some point.

For a while, I felt really guilty for ignoring him, and I still do to a certain degree. We were friends, and I felt bad that our friendship was kind of ended because of that. I thought maybe we could go back to the way we were before this happened, but am seeing now that this is not going to be the case. I notice more and more things that I do not like about him, or that annoy me. And I'm starting to wonder if I have a hate problem. It's gotten to the point where literally everything he says annoys me in some way. At meals, I feel like he says certain things especially loudly just so I can here them or something.

I'm having an extremely bad attitude. I don't like the way he talks about himself being white and not getting as much scholarship money because of it. I hate that he seems to think he is better than everyone else because he is working for IT over the summer. I hate the way he talks about my interest (in what he refers to) in "asian things". I hate the way he talks about his lesbian sister, in a way that seems that she is less of a person. I feel like he complains about everything to some degree, I heard him criticizing someone's use of a tent outside the dorm building (which I happen to know for a fact is my friend's tent) and I'm just so annoyed.

I seem to have an obsession with being annoyed with him and thinking about how annoying it is. Sometimes I feel the need to explain to myself why I don't like him, or tell myself I don't. Which is weird and confusing to me because I am not attracted to him at all, I think I'm feeling desperate because I haven't ever had a boyfriend, and was turned down by the person I liked. I also got the impression that people wanted me to date this annoying person, and that made me feel like I made the wrong decision. But the thing is, I cannot make a wrong decision. If I don't like him, I don't like him, and it's not going to change. But why do I think about how annoyed I am with him all the time? I feel the need to complain all the time, and it's really irritating and wrong.

The thing is, my attitude is wrong, I know that, and the way I'm thinking is wrong. But I don't know what to do about this situation, and I'm sick of dealing with it. I feel like it's controlling my summer and I want it to end.

A Most Exciting 100th Post

Post #100, you guys. It's hard to believe that I've written that many times on this blog, considering how often I am saying that I don't post enough. From this extremely thrilling first blog post, I have come a long way. I'm glad I started this blog, it is a way for me to write about my silly obsessions or my ridiculous thoughts that I'd rather not talk to people in person about. Although I'm sure not many people read what I write, it is always cool for me to think about the fact that it is somewhere on the internet for people to read.

I don't really have anything super eventful to report about in this post. My life is pretty mundane, I go to work everyday, and I don't get off campus much. I want to do more, but I know that when the school year starts up again I will be busy with homework and people, so I should enjoy the time I have right now. I just finished You're Beautiful (So long, Tae-kyung) and started Answer Me 1997 (which may turn out to be one of my favorites, but I don't know yet, only on episode 7). I'm trying to find a good new manga to read, but I feel like I've read all the good ones, so I'm quite lost. All well. I'm currently reading a book on cyber-security that is interesting, but I want it to be over so I can read something else, it's just taking me way too long.

I visited my grandparents at my aunts house on Saturday for a few hours, it was good to see them but I felt out of place, and ended up sitting most of the time on my phone. (even though I didn't have internet). I know they were judging me, but they could talk to me instead of arguing with eachother about what we are going to eat on vacation. (Which is starting to scare me now, what am I getting myself into going on vacation with my extended family. I'll probably shut myself away with my macbook and sign in to drama-fever.) Ah well. No one's perfect.

I've started to attend a small little bible study some people put together on campus, and I'm really glad I did. It helps me set aside time for Christian fellowship and discussion of God's word, something that I don't normally get over the summer outside of church since everyone is gone from campus. I've had more time to read my Bible lately since a lot of work is spent sitting at the circulation desk at the library. So it's been fun and encouraging.

Well, that's all I got for today, time to go shelve some books.

Of J-Term

Alas, I have chosen a college that participates in that unfriendly break-shortener referred to as J-Term, or January Term. This entitles the study of one class M-F 3 hours a day. I am taking Marketing, as it is required for my major, and do not expect to have a blast during this extremely cold month. While it will be nice to have Marketing out of the way in a month, the class includes speeches and presentations that I am not a fan of. I hated Oral Comm, and I am really hoping there is more to this class than practicing advertising a product. That being said, I realize that I will probably learn alot during this class and am exciting for what it has in store for me.

Why I Think I Have No Friends

Walking into the dining hall alone is perhaps the scariest thing ever. I walk in, and look around for someone I know and half the time I can't find anyone. The people that I would like to hang out with never eat at the same time as me and so often I end up sitting by myself - also partly to the fact that my roommate ignores me. So therefore I have come to the conclusion that I must have no friends.

Whether or not this is true has no validity at the moment since I have already determined that I have no friends since no one I know is in the dining hall when I need to eat. There have been times when I make plans with someone and then it doesn't work out - which has also led me to believe that I have no friends.

I soon realized as I processed this way of thinking, that I based my friendships on whether or not my "friends" were in the dining hall when I wanted to eat. How dare you skip a meal and leave me here alone. As if I am the most important person in the world and if you don't eat with you are not my friend.

Obviously this thinking is wrong and I have friends. As a matter of fact I just ate dinner with one.

On Asian Dramas

Recently I have started watching Asian dramas on DramaFever because it is a website who offers the ability to watch shows and movies free and legally. You can pay for a subscription to buy HD streaming and get rid of ads, but you really don't need that because when you watch, you gain "premium credits", that enable you to watch an episode without ads. 

Since I withdrew from music theory on Wednesday (that's a whole other story), I had a lot more free time to get things done, like wash my sheets, organize my shelves, code, and of course, watch Korean dramas. So I watched My Tutor Friend 2. You can watch it for free legally if you click on the link. No viruses, really.

I like to search for lists of movies and dramas that end well. I plan on starting a separate website/blog that will start cataloging movies/tv shows that have good endings. I figure I'm probably not the only person looking for stuff to watch that doesn't end depressingly. 

But anyway, asian dramas are great, I love them, everyone should watch them, blah blah. I'm weird, but you know that already.

Self Confidence, or the Lack Of

So, hello, I am no longer a music major. I am officially a Computer and Information science major. It's funny that I'm in the mathematical sciences department and I absolutely hate math. I suppose I should explain this random extreme change in degree choices. So here goes.

It was that one class. 

So all the music majors have to take a class called "Keyboarding" which is preparation for the Piano proficiency test that all music majors have to pass. Me, being a piano major, was put in the Advanced Keyboarding Class. Advanced? Joke of the semester.

I do not know scales, or key signatures. Or the circle of 5th's. Or intervals. Everyone else in that class did. Here's the catch - I was going to have to learn all of them by the end of the month so I could pass the exam. Needless to say, I was freaking out. How does one do that anyway - I had never really taken theory and my old piano teacher never taught me scales. It was beginning to really stress me out. I was going to have to play in juries, and one of my voice classes required a solo. It was entirely too much pressure, especially for a first-year in college and someone who had never been in a classroom setting.

That aside, I was only a B.A in music, not education or performance. Job? No.

That class planted the seed of doubt in myself I had had been playing with for a while. I listened to all the other piano majors practicing - they even messed up pretty (if at all...while practicing). 

So, after a lot of tears (and I mean a lot, and in front of my advisor), I changed my major to CIS and I'm now minoring in music. I think I made the right decision, but I failed to note some things about my self that were very important - I had completely no self-confidence.

1. I was the only first-year piano major

Those piano majors in the practice rooms? All upperclassmen. So I was comparing myself to upperclassmen. Yeah, probably shouldn't have done that.

2. I DID pass the audition.

Yeah, what happened to that? In a teary conversation with my advisor, she told me that I had auditioned very well and she thought I had a lot of talent. She told me I didn't give myself enough credit.

3. Just because I'm a CIS major doesn't mean I can't pursue piano.

Contrary to popular belief, you DO NOT have to major in what you love the most. Sure, I actually really love technology, but I also really love piano. (they wouldn't let me double major.) Also, my piano teacher/advisor told me she still considers me a piano major, and is going to have me learn all the same things the piano majors are learning. So, basically, piano major with out the degree certificate. 

So basically, I lacked self-confidence, and I got scared. I started to switch my major for the wrong reasons. However, now I feel like I made the right decision in the long run for my future - now I can pursue music without all the pressure.

So anyways, I guess the point of this post was have self-confidence?

My next post will be on K-Pop...

Notes on the Last Day at the Office

I finished my schoolwork in late March this year. I was excited to be done, after all, it was the end of my high school days. I then began looking for work. (Mistake #1 - Don't wait until you are done with school before looking for a job) My art teacher had said that there was this Christian arts and music camp that was hiring for the summer. So I applied there first, kind of assuming I would get to work there since my teacher recommended me and said that I had the job. I didn't apply anywhere else and April came and was passing fast. I wasn't hearing back from the camp, so my mom told me to apply other places. Still pretty confident that I had the camp job landed, I applied to a local restaurant and Giant.

Well today ends my days working my office job. I just got back from a dentist appointment (those are fun), and thought I'd do a little post about my work experience while I have the time. I don't know how much time I'll have to blog while I'm at college, hopefully at least once a week.

I've learned a lot working at this office. I want to share the story of how I got this job, because I feel it marked an important checkpoint in my life about trusting God.


It was late April when I finally heard back from the camp. I wasn't hired due to a lack of space for more positions, they simply had filled everything with returning staff. This was a shock and a huge disappointment - I was really looking forward to working at the camp, and thought I had my summer planned out. But God had other plans for me.

Frantically I applied to around 20 other places, freaking out. I needed money for college, and the Penn State students would be taking all the jobs soon. I applied at Giant again, who I later called and they had apparently "lost" my application.

By the second week of May, I had given up. As a last hope, I applied to Giant again. They called me in less than 5 hours of me submitting my application and wanted to schedule an interview. I was so incredibly happy and thankful - I thought I was on Cloud 9. I got the job at Giant, and thought that my life was perfect (well nearly).
My mom then called me one day the next week after I started at Giant and said that a family friend had found a place for me at an office of a company that someone in our church owns. I was hesitant at first - I had the Giant job and I wanted to keep it. I then realized that I needed money - so I interviewed and got the internship position there. I really wanted to keep Giant, so I switched my availability with them to nights, hence why I have two jobs and work 12-15 hour days and nearly 60 hours a week.

But you see, I was so worried about finding a job when God was in control the whole time. He had a bigger picture in mind, while I only focused on the fact I wasn't working at the camp I wanted to. I was over-blessed. I wanted a job really bad - I needed a job really bad - and I got two. Too much job.

Retail Adventures

This week is my last week working both my jobs - I'm going to come back and work once every 28 days (to stay on the payroll) and breaks at Giant, however. Working retail has been an experience, and I'm glad I did it - I've learned a lot of life skills.

Last night I had some adventures. It was already a weird night - I had been doing miscellaneous stuff since I arrived for my shift. I was hired as a cashier, but when the one manager Damien is working, he has me do all kinds of stuff. Which I don't really mind - he's my favorite manager anyways - but it can be a lot of work. 

(Giant literally called me while I was writing this post and asked me to come in two hours early...)

Our closing register wasn't working correctly last night - which ended up being a pain in the neck since Damien had to nag the tech people for permission to open another register's till (You're not supposed to after 10:30, but he had no choice - the register wasn't taking any card payments correctly).

There's a girl my manager that I can't stand - she flirts with him and annoys me constantly. I don't show that I don't like her, I'm actually pretty nice - but she hates me because Damien talks to me more. (which is stupid since she's still sixteen and he's 20) She tells me to shut up, won't bag for me even though it's her job, etc. So she was there last night causing all sorts of problems by hitting the manager call button and laughing as my manager came over to see who needs help. 

The highlight of the night was the homeless guy who we got a cab for. Which cost me 20 bucks I really couldn't afford. I'll admit, a small part of me wanted to say no to helping him out. But hey, I'm doing this for a good cause, it's what Jesus would have done, and if I'm short money He will provide me with what I need - He always has. So I came to peace with it and was glad I was able to help since no one else had any money apparently.

Anyways, those were my adventures in retail. I know, not really all that exciting. But hey, I had nothing else to blog about today.

Pre-College Stress

Recently I have discovered the forest...nay the jungle... that is packing for college. Like, what exactly do you need? What should you leave at home? Will I really need a microwave...or a bath robe? Do I need food in my dorm or should I just take full advantage of the expensive dining plan? I don't know.

Since my college is only approximately 25 minutes away from campus, I decided that I really don't need to bring a ton of stuff. If I am missing something, my mom can bring it over or I can get it or whatever. Less is more in this sense, I suppose.

Getting what I need for college has been stressing me out a little because I've been at work a ton and haven't been able to do much shopping. Hopefully since this is my last week working my two jobs, I'll have a bunch of time next week.

I still need to finish my Fundamentals of Music Theory class and read the common reading book Silver Like Dust. Let's add those to the pile of things I need to get done next week. Ah college life. I can feel its pressure already.

Life Hurts

Today I received some news about a family situation that could possibly change me and my sisters life completely. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. There is such a high level of stress on me right now that I'm frankly surprised I'm not sick. I already have two jobs, college prep and finances, and a class to worry about and now with this family problem added I'm not sure what's going to happen. I don't understand what God is doing and I'm just so very tired of life and all this pressure I'm under. It keeps building and building like a tidal wave and I know its going to crash soon. I know adulthood comes with responsibility, but I'm under more pressure than an average 40 year old adult.

I'm tired of being told I'm too wound up. People should stop and think about why I would seem that way instead of accusing me of being paranoid and defensive. They have no idea what I'm going through or what I've already went through - I just don't want to hear it anymore. Yes I know I'm no fun...deal with it - I've suffered through mental and emotional abuse for all of my childhood I'm not just going to pretend everything is fine. I don't like living disorganized and unplanned and I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for being that way. Like, excuse me for acting like a mature adult.

And stop making me feel stupid because I don't get your oh-so-funny jokes. I happen to be working and thinking about important things, so I apologize I don't understand your humor or see hilarity in my everyday life. I think about things in a more realistic and serious light - that does not mean I'm stupid or slow.

So what, I didn't go to the beach with my family this year. Sure, I understand your concern, but that was my decision, and you have no idea what my financial situation is like. Don't you think it was already hard enough for me to make that decision? Double questioning me about it makes me feel depressed and wonder if I made the right choice. Thanks, but I feel bad enough about it already.

No, I don't know what I'm going to do with my piano degree. I don't need to know what I'm going to be doing in June of 2018 while its still August of 2014. I have four years to decide that. Thanks again, random concerned person, for wondering about my life goals, but frankly it's none of your business. After all, it's my life and my tuition bill. And no, I'm not commuting, yes I know it's cheaper - but that is also none of your business.

Please stop complaining about your parents. I don't want to hear how your dad wouldn't take you to a movie on the night you wanted or your mom forgot to pick you up the food you wanted at the grocery store. At least you have a dad who isn't a complete jerk, and how about helping your mother out once and a while instead of complaining about her? I understand that everyone has their own parent problems, but those kind of things aren't even issues. It's rude to talk about your parents that way.

Ok, I'm done. I just wanted to write that out somewhere.

I Meet People

As I mentioned in the last post, meeting people is not one of my favorite things. I don't socialize very well and try to avoid socializing situations because I will replay moments where I believe I've done something embarrassing forever and ever in my head afterwards. Kind of a self-torture in a way. As I look on this now, a lot of those moments probably didn't matter to anyone else anyway and honestly, I was being kind of stupid. 

Anyway, I also said in the last post that working at Giant has helped grow my socializing skills. I wanted to expand on this, hence this post. I used to be very afraid to even say hello to strangers, make eye contact, or even smile. Now as a cashier, this is sort of required, and I quickly realized within the first 5 minutes of my first shift that I was going to have to get used to talking to people. I thought this would take me a while to get over, but in fact, it only took a couple of months. 

Now, putting aside the fact that every time I go into Giant I feel this adrenaline and a strong urge to smile and say hi to every stranger I see, I am now not afraid to talk to people anymore. I still haven't gotten over my fear of guys...That one has always been harder, and hopefully it will change at college. But I've changed, and my personality has changed a little for the better. (I think)

Alright, Let's Get Caught Up Part II

Ok, so in my last post I was talking about my retail job at Giant food stores. Good ole retail life. Now I said that my other job was an office one - its' not as boring as it sounds. I do a lot of cool stuff. Really.

Actually I do a mix of social media monitoring, web design, graphic design, and other related miscellaneous stuff. This week I just finished created 6 ebooks for my company to go up on one of the websites. It's actually really cool and it's what led me to my decision to double major in college.

I have decided to double major in Piano and Computer and Information Sciences with a Concentration in Web Management. I know, I know, two vastly different subjects. But hey, I love piano, and I'm really awesome with computers, so why not? (I really should do a whole post on how I practically live the Family Tech Guy Meme, but that can wait)

To be completely honest, college is freaking me out. It's going to be a lot of responsibility. And when I say that, I'm not talking about being on my own - I'm used to that, plus I'm an introvert (us introverts thrive on being alone). It's more the social and financial aspects for me. I've never been good communicating with other people (especially guys), and the prospect of meeting so many new people is really kind of scary. Also, getting school finances has been extremely difficult. But it's in God's hands and I will survive.

On a more happy note, I got a macbook pro! It is fantastic and amazing AND I sold my soul to Apple....more like just my bank account. But I think it was worth it. So long, Microsoft.

Welp that's all for this one, I'll try to post mini updates like this throughout the rest of this week. I post spastically, so, yeah.

Alright, Let's Get Caught Up Part I

Hi people!
So, I haven't been able to post much due to the fact that my life is really busy right now. But I thought I would give you all an update on what I've been doing. Wow, I can't believe I haven't posted since March.

OK, so I graduated High School. (That's something, right) - Graduation was interesting, since I was cyber schooled, I met my fellow class men for the first time. Kind of weird, but it was actually fun. I had my graduation party the same day, and that was amazing.

I now have two jobs. One, I work at Giant Food Stores, and the other is an office job where I do cool computer stuff and all that jazz. To be honest working both these jobs at the same time is really stressing me out and I hope I don't have to do the same thing next summer. But college is expensive, so I do what I want to do.

Ah the retail life...Working a shift at Giant can be either really fun or really annoying and long. It really is only one extreme or the other. There's people you get along with really well, and then there's the people who you can't stand. Honestly I think it's really good experience, and for the most part it can be kinda fun. But the other employees really make or break it.

There's a couple of guys that really like to give me a hard time, which pushes me way out of my comfort zone considering I'm really terrible talking to guys in general. But it's getting me ready for college life, so it's good.

Anyways there's part 1...I'll post again later.

The Power of Words

Ok so sorry I don't post as much as I used to, life is crazy and I am starting to have to face the fact that I'm an adult (or quite nearly).

I recently finished a manga titled "Alice 19th". It is a story about sisters who fight over a guy. Well, basically. Ok, I know this sounds quite cheesy, but bear with me. It is officially the best manga I've read for several reasons. But first I'll explain the plot a little. Manga and animes are known to have ridiculous plots and dragged out stories (Charles Dickens, anyone?) so I apologize in advance if this makes absolutely no sense.

The story begins with two sisters in high school who end up falling for the same guy. The heroine of the story and the younger sister Alice, falls in love with upperclassmen Kyo. (I told you it sounds cheesy at first, seriously it really isn't.) It turns out her older sister Mayura is also in love with him and asked him out on his birthday, to which Kyo responded "he needed to think about". Alice is upset because she loves Kyo and her sister, but is frustrated and too afraid to tell Kyo how she feels. Mayura knows nothing about her sisters feelings because Alice is very reserved. They end up having an argument in which Alice tells Mayura she wishes she would "disappear". Mayura does just that, to Alice's shock.

The story goes on and Alice finds out she is a Lotis Master who can use words and wield them as power, which was why Mayura disappeared. Kyo also is a Lotis Master, and after certain side characters appear (I won't get into them), they discover that Mayura has been captured by the Darkness, or Mara. Alice and Kyo need to master the words of Lotis to save Mayura and the rest of the world from the Mara. They are told they are prophesied to do this, and become the Neomasters of Lotis.

There are a lot of details to this story that I won't bother explaining. But I liked it because of the message it gave. Words are important and how we use them is even more important. Sometimes our words can be more hurtful than the physical and this story (in an extreme way) emphasized this. It also stressed how important it is to be open and tell the truth right away, which is something that I struggle with since I'm introverted and reserved like Alice. The more darkness we keep inside us, the worse it becomes. I'm reminded of a poem titled "The Poison Tree" I studied recently in British Lit by William Blake.

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I watered it in fears,
Night and morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine.
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretched beneath the tree.       

Words can kill people, and so can the lack of. Openness is peace, and a quiet mouth isn't always humble.

 

Yet Another Tech Problem

Okay, so I got my computer back, but I ran into other technology problems. Our family used to have DirectTV as our television service, however our internet and phone is Verizon, and she recently received a better off to do cable tv with them for a better price. So, I hook up the Verizon box. (Yes, I'm the established Master-of-Everything-Tech in my house, so naturally this became my job. So I plug everything into the correct ports and turn the tv and the cable box on. Nothing happens. Okay, so I missed something. I double check all cords and repeat this several times. I input to the correct channel on the TV, and I get a flashing distorted image and then it goes blue. Hallelujah, we have another tech problem. So now I have to talk to people. Which I hate. A lot. Even if it is on chat, (because apparently everyone that works at Verizon is introverts; when you call their phone lines, you can't talk to an actual person, it is all something that sounds like Siri. So in order to talk to a human being, you must "chat".) it is annoying to me because they still seem to not understand what you are saying even when you are typing it.

Anyway, so after chatting for about an hour the guy tells me that our service isn't "technically" activated for two more days. ...
I try again after two more days and there is not difference. You guessed it - I'm back on chat with another Verizon employee who tells me not to worry he will fix the problem today. I had my doubts. So I waste another two hours of my time, to no avail. Since we are having no success, he tells me that they are going to send another box. We get said box the next day, (I guess I can be impressed with the fast shipping), and skeptically I hook it up. Ta-da! Nope.

I would like to say that by at this point in time I was feeling EXTREMELY TICKED. I was toying around with various ideas on how do destroy the cable boxes in the most satisfying way.
I was feeling something like this:

But I probably ended up looking like this, because generally I'm too angry to say anything.

In the end they ended up sending someone out to our place who could technically charge us if they discovered that the problem was our fault. By now I had narrowed the situation down to two possibilities:
1. There was a problem with our TV, and possible something to do with the cable section on the TV which we had not used in years due to the fact that DirectTV was satellite. I was skeptical of this hypothesis because our TV has no other problems.
2. There was a problem with the hardwiring/cables. Possibly the cables are only wired for DirectTV and Verizon needs different wiring.

Turns out number two was spot on. They didn't even have it wired for TV. Thank goodness we didn't have to pay for anything. That is the last thing we need. Right now, I'm just glad it's over with. That DVR had better work...

Back In Business

Guys! My computer is back!

Ok, creepiness aside...It just came back a couple of hours ago. I am so excited; I was about ready to kill that tech team. :) I had actually just said something of the same to my mom before she left this morning. I guess the tech team got nervous. ;)

Anyway, so now I plan on getting caught up with you people's blogs and continue posting regularly on my own.

Till later!

I Want My Little Box Back

I feel like I have less and less time to myself these days. I do things with my church at least three o nights a week, and during the day I have schoolwork and other classes. It's starting to wear me down, even to the point to desperation. Last Sunday, it started to snow after morning service, and I started praying for the cancellations of all the evening activities. Apparently God heard me (I know he always does) and a half an hour before I had to leave to worship band practice I got my wish. I literally jumped for joy. I did not want to go anywhere.

I thought the feeling would go away after having a night off, but it didn't. I felt the same way and continue to feel the same way now. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, I just want to curl up in my room and do my things all by myself. It's really frustrating considering the rest of my family gets really excited about certain events and I am just not really feeling it.

I think perhaps I am doing too many things at the same time. I have taken too much on and now I'm breaking under all the pressure. This is not good, and adding a job next semester will probably not make my life any easier. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really just being immature about wanting "free time", but it is a part of who I am as a person. It's the way God made me. However, I need to stop making it the focus of every day. For example, I've found my self counting down the hours until seven o'clock, which is normally when I can be by myself (for the most part) and being extremely annoyed by everything happening around me.

It does not help that my sisters are really loud at home. They seem to have to be continually cracking jokes and goofing off at one volume level: extra loud. Loudness has always made me feel very confined and anxious. It think its probably my OCD for the most part, but it's also part of my personality. I like things to be calm and contained and moderate, which appears to be the opposite of everyone else in my family. Except maybe my mom. The biggest problem about this is that they don't stop when I ask them, even when I've told them why it bothers me. I think they probably think I'm making it up and just don't want them to have fun, but that isn't true. I just want them to be a little quieter while doing it. Ok, a lot quieter.

Anyway this is mainly what I'm really struggling with right now. I just want to be alone and have everyone leave me alone in my little box. Hopefully I'll find some way to deal with it, but for right now I'm just going to be praying.

Welcome to My Family

Shopping. What most people do in the month of December. Why? Christmas. Last year, I really procrastinated about getting Christmas shopping done and was rushing around two weeks before. But I am changing my ways. I started Christmas shopping two weeks ago. However, I haven't really gotten anywhere. Because of the fact that I have six other people in my immediate family, Christmas shopping takes forever. Did I talk about my family? I don't think I did. I know this blog is supposed to about me, (that sounded terrible) but I'll share a little about my family, because this is part of me.

The youngest is Charity, she just turned six yesterday. She's in Kindergarten. I teach her Kid's Club class at church. Next is Rebekah, who is eight, and in third grade. She is a lot like me. I mean, like when I was little. (not NOW no haha). Mary is 11, she's in sixth grade, and just started youth group this year, much to the delight of Rachel, who is 14, and in eighth grade. Hannah is a freshman (she thinks she's all that. Just kidding) and I'm the oldest, which I think I said before. (I'm a senior- they can't wait till I get out of the house.)

That was the rundown. Yeah no boys. (I fantasize about having an older brother, but my friends tell me I don't want one.) My mom has red hair, which none of us got. I wish I had it. I love her red hair. Mom tells me that I should be thankful I'm a blonde, but all people do is make stupid jokes about it. Hannah thinks her hair is red, but it's really just brown with a hint of reddishness. Not even. I mean really, who does she think she is, Amy Pond?

But yeah, our house is crazy. My mom is a single mom, our father hasn't lived with us for like five years now. He was abusive mentally and physically and that chapter of my life closed when he left. I'll write about that another time. It's a long story.

Our house is really not that big, and for someone who is an extreme introvert with OCD, this can sometimes be really difficult. There isn't really anywhere I can go to be by myself. I share a bedroom with two other people, Rachel and Hannah. (Who are TOTAL slobs by the way - no offense sisters, love you) I feel like this is why I like my "things", like Doctor Who and drawing and Sherlock and the piano etc. I can escape through them. Anyway this was supposed to be about my family.

We are all in so many things we rarely have a night free. Sometimes Monday and Tuesday nights are free, but usually we are asked to do things extra and end up scheduling them on these nights. Wednesday night we have Kid's Club and Junior High youth group, Thursdays are handbell practices, and Fridays are bible study or movie night or something else. Saturday we always have either a youth group event or a dinner going on and Sunday is Senior High youth group. It's crazy. We get done with Monday and then it's time to go to church again. It drives me nuts. Too much, too much!

So, my family is nuts and I'm nuts (I'm probably the wierdest).

I have to get back to schoolwork, I'll probably think of something else to write about later. Slan!


By the way...this is SO me...

"A Little OCD?" Never Saying That Again

I have recently become aware of the fact that I have OCD. In a big way. It never occurred to me that some things I thought I did just because I was weird were actually part of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. For a long time, I thought that OCD wasn't really an actual problem. I thought it was just something someone uses in conversartion to laugh about being meticulous or particular about something. I was wrong. OCD is an actual condition people have, and is something to be taken seriously. For the past week, I had been wondering if the things I have problems with socially and other odd things I do were a sign of OCD. They are.

I took some different screening tests on various websites, and they all came back that I had moderate to severe OCD. Now I realize that things on the internet cannot always be trusted, and that I probably shouldn't be too bothered by it. However, pretty much ALL of the symptoms listed applied to me. While this was scary, it was also relieving. For the longest time, I thought I was unnormal and that something was just strange about me that no one else has and that wasn't any specific thing. It was good to know that there is actually a reason why I do these things and a name for the condition.

Something I also realized is that OCD is not just about being super organized and picky about things. Becuase if that is all it was, it really would probably not be that serious. However, there is a much bigger picture here. Feeling the need to be even in everything (i.e. constantly evening out your shirt, your food, doing something four times so it feels right.), not being able working with other people, not being able to touch other people, and germaphobia are all things I struggle with on a day to day basis and are also a part of having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Another intresting thing is that obsessions play a hand in this disorder. This doesn't surprise me at all. OCD follows a pattern of obsessions-anxiety-complusions-relief-obsessions in a circle. People who have OCD use obsessions to deal with anxiety and to bring relief. I don't think this is neccessarily an bad thing, but it definately confirmed by self-diagnosis.

I am considering seeing someone about this, I will be talking to my mom a little more about it. It's dominating my life in so many ways I didn't realize.

On the other hand, this is how God made me, and this is how he wanted me. All I can really do is pray that He would give me self control and contentment and ask Him to take away false fear and let me be at peace.