I Want My Little Box Back

I feel like I have less and less time to myself these days. I do things with my church at least three o nights a week, and during the day I have schoolwork and other classes. It's starting to wear me down, even to the point to desperation. Last Sunday, it started to snow after morning service, and I started praying for the cancellations of all the evening activities. Apparently God heard me (I know he always does) and a half an hour before I had to leave to worship band practice I got my wish. I literally jumped for joy. I did not want to go anywhere.

I thought the feeling would go away after having a night off, but it didn't. I felt the same way and continue to feel the same way now. I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, I just want to curl up in my room and do my things all by myself. It's really frustrating considering the rest of my family gets really excited about certain events and I am just not really feeling it.

I think perhaps I am doing too many things at the same time. I have taken too much on and now I'm breaking under all the pressure. This is not good, and adding a job next semester will probably not make my life any easier. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really just being immature about wanting "free time", but it is a part of who I am as a person. It's the way God made me. However, I need to stop making it the focus of every day. For example, I've found my self counting down the hours until seven o'clock, which is normally when I can be by myself (for the most part) and being extremely annoyed by everything happening around me.

It does not help that my sisters are really loud at home. They seem to have to be continually cracking jokes and goofing off at one volume level: extra loud. Loudness has always made me feel very confined and anxious. It think its probably my OCD for the most part, but it's also part of my personality. I like things to be calm and contained and moderate, which appears to be the opposite of everyone else in my family. Except maybe my mom. The biggest problem about this is that they don't stop when I ask them, even when I've told them why it bothers me. I think they probably think I'm making it up and just don't want them to have fun, but that isn't true. I just want them to be a little quieter while doing it. Ok, a lot quieter.

Anyway this is mainly what I'm really struggling with right now. I just want to be alone and have everyone leave me alone in my little box. Hopefully I'll find some way to deal with it, but for right now I'm just going to be praying.

Welcome to My Family

Shopping. What most people do in the month of December. Why? Christmas. Last year, I really procrastinated about getting Christmas shopping done and was rushing around two weeks before. But I am changing my ways. I started Christmas shopping two weeks ago. However, I haven't really gotten anywhere. Because of the fact that I have six other people in my immediate family, Christmas shopping takes forever. Did I talk about my family? I don't think I did. I know this blog is supposed to about me, (that sounded terrible) but I'll share a little about my family, because this is part of me.

The youngest is Charity, she just turned six yesterday. She's in Kindergarten. I teach her Kid's Club class at church. Next is Rebekah, who is eight, and in third grade. She is a lot like me. I mean, like when I was little. (not NOW no haha). Mary is 11, she's in sixth grade, and just started youth group this year, much to the delight of Rachel, who is 14, and in eighth grade. Hannah is a freshman (she thinks she's all that. Just kidding) and I'm the oldest, which I think I said before. (I'm a senior- they can't wait till I get out of the house.)

That was the rundown. Yeah no boys. (I fantasize about having an older brother, but my friends tell me I don't want one.) My mom has red hair, which none of us got. I wish I had it. I love her red hair. Mom tells me that I should be thankful I'm a blonde, but all people do is make stupid jokes about it. Hannah thinks her hair is red, but it's really just brown with a hint of reddishness. Not even. I mean really, who does she think she is, Amy Pond?

But yeah, our house is crazy. My mom is a single mom, our father hasn't lived with us for like five years now. He was abusive mentally and physically and that chapter of my life closed when he left. I'll write about that another time. It's a long story.

Our house is really not that big, and for someone who is an extreme introvert with OCD, this can sometimes be really difficult. There isn't really anywhere I can go to be by myself. I share a bedroom with two other people, Rachel and Hannah. (Who are TOTAL slobs by the way - no offense sisters, love you) I feel like this is why I like my "things", like Doctor Who and drawing and Sherlock and the piano etc. I can escape through them. Anyway this was supposed to be about my family.

We are all in so many things we rarely have a night free. Sometimes Monday and Tuesday nights are free, but usually we are asked to do things extra and end up scheduling them on these nights. Wednesday night we have Kid's Club and Junior High youth group, Thursdays are handbell practices, and Fridays are bible study or movie night or something else. Saturday we always have either a youth group event or a dinner going on and Sunday is Senior High youth group. It's crazy. We get done with Monday and then it's time to go to church again. It drives me nuts. Too much, too much!

So, my family is nuts and I'm nuts (I'm probably the wierdest).

I have to get back to schoolwork, I'll probably think of something else to write about later. Slan!


By the way...this is SO me...