I Have a Bad Attitude, But I Don't Want to Change

First, let me get this out there; this post is not intended to hurt or offend anyone in anyway, and seeing as the person I am about to write about is not going to read this blog, and I am not going to refer to them by their name, this should be relatively safe. This is me ranting about a person in my life that is stressing me out and that I am having a bad and unChristian attitude towards. Someone has been annoying me for a while, and I need to get over it and move on, and the problem is, I'm not. Like, I think about how annoying this person is a lot, and I don't want to be around them, and have started going out of my way to avoid said person.

Last semester, I had liked a guy in one of my friend groups that I thought was really cool and I admired his respect for others and his self confidence. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way about me and therefore, when my friend told him I liked him, awkwardness ensued. At the same time, there was another guy that apparently liked me, and so I found out about that at the same time. I do not like this person. I never saw him that way at all. I don't find him attractive, and I don't like how he doesn't pick up on social queues. He found out I didn't like him, and we had a "conversation" where he confronted me on this. However, after relaying my feelings, he still seemed to follow me around everywhere. He was at every meal, and always had something to say to me. He even interrupted my conversations with other people to tell me something.

I started to get very annoyed with him. I found my self feeling very uncomfortable whenever he was in the room or talking to my friends, and I wanted to hide from him. Soon I realized that he was controlling me, or rather, I was letting him control me. So I outright ignored him. It took him a while to get the hint, and even now, I feel like he still thinks that I will like him at some point.

For a while, I felt really guilty for ignoring him, and I still do to a certain degree. We were friends, and I felt bad that our friendship was kind of ended because of that. I thought maybe we could go back to the way we were before this happened, but am seeing now that this is not going to be the case. I notice more and more things that I do not like about him, or that annoy me. And I'm starting to wonder if I have a hate problem. It's gotten to the point where literally everything he says annoys me in some way. At meals, I feel like he says certain things especially loudly just so I can here them or something.

I'm having an extremely bad attitude. I don't like the way he talks about himself being white and not getting as much scholarship money because of it. I hate that he seems to think he is better than everyone else because he is working for IT over the summer. I hate the way he talks about my interest (in what he refers to) in "asian things". I hate the way he talks about his lesbian sister, in a way that seems that she is less of a person. I feel like he complains about everything to some degree, I heard him criticizing someone's use of a tent outside the dorm building (which I happen to know for a fact is my friend's tent) and I'm just so annoyed.

I seem to have an obsession with being annoyed with him and thinking about how annoying it is. Sometimes I feel the need to explain to myself why I don't like him, or tell myself I don't. Which is weird and confusing to me because I am not attracted to him at all, I think I'm feeling desperate because I haven't ever had a boyfriend, and was turned down by the person I liked. I also got the impression that people wanted me to date this annoying person, and that made me feel like I made the wrong decision. But the thing is, I cannot make a wrong decision. If I don't like him, I don't like him, and it's not going to change. But why do I think about how annoyed I am with him all the time? I feel the need to complain all the time, and it's really irritating and wrong.

The thing is, my attitude is wrong, I know that, and the way I'm thinking is wrong. But I don't know what to do about this situation, and I'm sick of dealing with it. I feel like it's controlling my summer and I want it to end.