Why I Think I Have No Friends

Walking into the dining hall alone is perhaps the scariest thing ever. I walk in, and look around for someone I know and half the time I can't find anyone. The people that I would like to hang out with never eat at the same time as me and so often I end up sitting by myself - also partly to the fact that my roommate ignores me. So therefore I have come to the conclusion that I must have no friends.

Whether or not this is true has no validity at the moment since I have already determined that I have no friends since no one I know is in the dining hall when I need to eat. There have been times when I make plans with someone and then it doesn't work out - which has also led me to believe that I have no friends.

I soon realized as I processed this way of thinking, that I based my friendships on whether or not my "friends" were in the dining hall when I wanted to eat. How dare you skip a meal and leave me here alone. As if I am the most important person in the world and if you don't eat with you are not my friend.

Obviously this thinking is wrong and I have friends. As a matter of fact I just ate dinner with one.

I Accompany Someone for the First Time

So my friend asked me to accompany him for his hymn project in his theory class (which I withdrew from because it was above my experience level and blah blah blah) and I said yes, thinking that it would enable me to get over my fear of performing in front of people and therefore I would gain more experience. 

Ok maybe a valid point but I had less than 12 hours to learn the music I had to play....hymn in CM no biggie, and I learned it in 2 and 1/2 hours of straight practice (I even skipped my oral communication class).

As you can imagine, it comes time to play and I freak out and mess up and now I feel pretty lame and I hope my friend didn't get a bad grade on his project due to my uncalm nerves. In short, I just feel pretty terrible but at least I didn't stop half way through the song?

Life Hurts

Today I received some news about a family situation that could possibly change me and my sisters life completely. Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. There is such a high level of stress on me right now that I'm frankly surprised I'm not sick. I already have two jobs, college prep and finances, and a class to worry about and now with this family problem added I'm not sure what's going to happen. I don't understand what God is doing and I'm just so very tired of life and all this pressure I'm under. It keeps building and building like a tidal wave and I know its going to crash soon. I know adulthood comes with responsibility, but I'm under more pressure than an average 40 year old adult.

I'm tired of being told I'm too wound up. People should stop and think about why I would seem that way instead of accusing me of being paranoid and defensive. They have no idea what I'm going through or what I've already went through - I just don't want to hear it anymore. Yes I know I'm no fun...deal with it - I've suffered through mental and emotional abuse for all of my childhood I'm not just going to pretend everything is fine. I don't like living disorganized and unplanned and I'm tired of being made to feel guilty for being that way. Like, excuse me for acting like a mature adult.

And stop making me feel stupid because I don't get your oh-so-funny jokes. I happen to be working and thinking about important things, so I apologize I don't understand your humor or see hilarity in my everyday life. I think about things in a more realistic and serious light - that does not mean I'm stupid or slow.

So what, I didn't go to the beach with my family this year. Sure, I understand your concern, but that was my decision, and you have no idea what my financial situation is like. Don't you think it was already hard enough for me to make that decision? Double questioning me about it makes me feel depressed and wonder if I made the right choice. Thanks, but I feel bad enough about it already.

No, I don't know what I'm going to do with my piano degree. I don't need to know what I'm going to be doing in June of 2018 while its still August of 2014. I have four years to decide that. Thanks again, random concerned person, for wondering about my life goals, but frankly it's none of your business. After all, it's my life and my tuition bill. And no, I'm not commuting, yes I know it's cheaper - but that is also none of your business.

Please stop complaining about your parents. I don't want to hear how your dad wouldn't take you to a movie on the night you wanted or your mom forgot to pick you up the food you wanted at the grocery store. At least you have a dad who isn't a complete jerk, and how about helping your mother out once and a while instead of complaining about her? I understand that everyone has their own parent problems, but those kind of things aren't even issues. It's rude to talk about your parents that way.

Ok, I'm done. I just wanted to write that out somewhere.