I Have a Bad Attitude, But I Don't Want to Change

First, let me get this out there; this post is not intended to hurt or offend anyone in anyway, and seeing as the person I am about to write about is not going to read this blog, and I am not going to refer to them by their name, this should be relatively safe. This is me ranting about a person in my life that is stressing me out and that I am having a bad and unChristian attitude towards. Someone has been annoying me for a while, and I need to get over it and move on, and the problem is, I'm not. Like, I think about how annoying this person is a lot, and I don't want to be around them, and have started going out of my way to avoid said person.

Last semester, I had liked a guy in one of my friend groups that I thought was really cool and I admired his respect for others and his self confidence. Unfortunately he didn't feel the same way about me and therefore, when my friend told him I liked him, awkwardness ensued. At the same time, there was another guy that apparently liked me, and so I found out about that at the same time. I do not like this person. I never saw him that way at all. I don't find him attractive, and I don't like how he doesn't pick up on social queues. He found out I didn't like him, and we had a "conversation" where he confronted me on this. However, after relaying my feelings, he still seemed to follow me around everywhere. He was at every meal, and always had something to say to me. He even interrupted my conversations with other people to tell me something.

I started to get very annoyed with him. I found my self feeling very uncomfortable whenever he was in the room or talking to my friends, and I wanted to hide from him. Soon I realized that he was controlling me, or rather, I was letting him control me. So I outright ignored him. It took him a while to get the hint, and even now, I feel like he still thinks that I will like him at some point.

For a while, I felt really guilty for ignoring him, and I still do to a certain degree. We were friends, and I felt bad that our friendship was kind of ended because of that. I thought maybe we could go back to the way we were before this happened, but am seeing now that this is not going to be the case. I notice more and more things that I do not like about him, or that annoy me. And I'm starting to wonder if I have a hate problem. It's gotten to the point where literally everything he says annoys me in some way. At meals, I feel like he says certain things especially loudly just so I can here them or something.

I'm having an extremely bad attitude. I don't like the way he talks about himself being white and not getting as much scholarship money because of it. I hate that he seems to think he is better than everyone else because he is working for IT over the summer. I hate the way he talks about my interest (in what he refers to) in "asian things". I hate the way he talks about his lesbian sister, in a way that seems that she is less of a person. I feel like he complains about everything to some degree, I heard him criticizing someone's use of a tent outside the dorm building (which I happen to know for a fact is my friend's tent) and I'm just so annoyed.

I seem to have an obsession with being annoyed with him and thinking about how annoying it is. Sometimes I feel the need to explain to myself why I don't like him, or tell myself I don't. Which is weird and confusing to me because I am not attracted to him at all, I think I'm feeling desperate because I haven't ever had a boyfriend, and was turned down by the person I liked. I also got the impression that people wanted me to date this annoying person, and that made me feel like I made the wrong decision. But the thing is, I cannot make a wrong decision. If I don't like him, I don't like him, and it's not going to change. But why do I think about how annoyed I am with him all the time? I feel the need to complain all the time, and it's really irritating and wrong.

The thing is, my attitude is wrong, I know that, and the way I'm thinking is wrong. But I don't know what to do about this situation, and I'm sick of dealing with it. I feel like it's controlling my summer and I want it to end.

A Review of Sorts: Cybersecurity and Cyber War

Book 7 of the summer! I really liked this book. I picked it up as more of an informal read, mainly because I wanted to read something related to my (hopefully) future job field. While it probably took me longer to read than most books due to its more wordy content, I found it to be very insightful about the world of the internet we live in. It was a good reminder of how easily our information can be at risk in the cyber world, and also clarified some generalizations often made about the nature of hacking and whistleblowers when it comes to releasing content online.

I thought that the authors spent a little too much time talking about the political side of cybersecurity, but I recognize that this part is important when talking about cyber war as a whole. It is interesting to note the reason the authors give for the government not being able to attract talented enough employees for the Department of Homeland Security; often times the people who have the abilities are basement hackers who do not want to work for the government or even go to college at all.

A point the authors make that stood out to me the most was his way of explaining how the internet is at risk; if we as individuals do not make a practice of securing our personal computers and accounts, we are making the internet as a whole an unsafe place for everyone. It isn't just about making sure your own content is secure in order to browse online safely, security on the internet relies on everyone doing their own parts. This is not something I had ever considered before, but it makes complete sense. If your computer is hacked, then it is giving the hacker more information and content from you, and also, if they are seeking to build a botnet (a montage of connected computers used to retrieve information for a malicious purpose), then it is helping the hacker succeed in attacking more victims.

I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in internet security or is concerned about their online presence and wants to understand the hacking world. Even if you don't read the book cover to cover like I did, just reading sections of it could prove very useful.

A Most Exciting 100th Post

Post #100, you guys. It's hard to believe that I've written that many times on this blog, considering how often I am saying that I don't post enough. From this extremely thrilling first blog post, I have come a long way. I'm glad I started this blog, it is a way for me to write about my silly obsessions or my ridiculous thoughts that I'd rather not talk to people in person about. Although I'm sure not many people read what I write, it is always cool for me to think about the fact that it is somewhere on the internet for people to read.

I don't really have anything super eventful to report about in this post. My life is pretty mundane, I go to work everyday, and I don't get off campus much. I want to do more, but I know that when the school year starts up again I will be busy with homework and people, so I should enjoy the time I have right now. I just finished You're Beautiful (So long, Tae-kyung) and started Answer Me 1997 (which may turn out to be one of my favorites, but I don't know yet, only on episode 7). I'm trying to find a good new manga to read, but I feel like I've read all the good ones, so I'm quite lost. All well. I'm currently reading a book on cyber-security that is interesting, but I want it to be over so I can read something else, it's just taking me way too long.

I visited my grandparents at my aunts house on Saturday for a few hours, it was good to see them but I felt out of place, and ended up sitting most of the time on my phone. (even though I didn't have internet). I know they were judging me, but they could talk to me instead of arguing with eachother about what we are going to eat on vacation. (Which is starting to scare me now, what am I getting myself into going on vacation with my extended family. I'll probably shut myself away with my macbook and sign in to drama-fever.) Ah well. No one's perfect.

I've started to attend a small little bible study some people put together on campus, and I'm really glad I did. It helps me set aside time for Christian fellowship and discussion of God's word, something that I don't normally get over the summer outside of church since everyone is gone from campus. I've had more time to read my Bible lately since a lot of work is spent sitting at the circulation desk at the library. So it's been fun and encouraging.

Well, that's all I got for today, time to go shelve some books.

No One Understands My Music

Hipster problem #1. You try to get people into your music, but it just doesn't work. They don't appreciate the thoughtful sweet lyrics, or the cool dance moves, or the way the words roll of the tongues of the singers. No one understands your taste in music, and they give you weird glances when you are caught (attempting) to sing along to lyrics that you cannot pronounce even remotely correctly, confirming your belief.

Perhaps I am. Then again, who isn't, anyway.

I've been branching out with my kpop recently, I used to only listen to Super Junior and Exo, and I've discovered there are a lot of other good bands out there. Here are two of my currently favorites:

Sometimes I wish I hadn't discovered Ring Ding Dong, it's continually stuck in my head.
I've also started to get into indie Korean music, which I really enjoy, it's so chill.

Anyway, that's all for today.

I Jump (Willingly) Back Into the Black Hole of K-Drama

Life is pretty regulated with my time working at the library, I like following a specific schedule but sometimes it can be a bit tedious. I had originally planned to relearn Algebra this summer, but I am finding that my brain is too dead after work and dinner to be able to handle that. Thus, I've started using my evenings very productively: watching K-dramas. Oh well. Sorry not sorry.

I had stopped watching Korean dramas because my school life was too busy, but I got Dramafever premium when they were offering a 50% discount and now I'm hooked again. I've loved these dramas since the day I discovered them; they are shorter than other TV shows, tend to have better plots, and usually have fantastic music. It's gotten to the point where I no longer feel like watching American movies or TV shows. I try, but I always end up on DramaFever anyway. Oh well. I'll stick to K-dramas until Season 9 of Doctor Who and Season 4 of Sherlock come out.

I'm currently watching Your Beautiful, (I'm on episode 9), and I love it for making me laugh. I was expecting it to be pretty much the same as To the Beautiful You, but was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't. I'm excited to finish the series. (I probably will this week) I actually am finding myself cheering for the secondary guy character, which is unusual. (I'm pretty sure she ends up with Taekyang, but a girl can dream)

Anyway, yup, I have once more succumbed to the world of Korean drama, and I refuse to be ashamed.

That smile though...

Summer Shenanigans

Summer has been pretty uneventful so far. The campus in general is pretty quiet unless there is a big conference, and all of the summer employees have gotten into the regular schedule of things. I work at the library 8am - 5pm with one other person, so I've been getting alot of reading done, and hopefully I will be able to churn out some blog posts on a more regular schedule.

It has been pretty fun to meet some new people and deepen relationships with people on campus for the summer. A few of my international student friends are working on campus as well, so I have been thankful to God that I have friends with me this summer. Otherwise, it would be pretty rough. I'm also getting to know some new people, and I'm excited to see where God leads these new relationships. I get along really well with my coworker, so that's another thing to be thankful for this summer.

In some ways summer has been really awesome, and in others it has been quite a disappointment. While I like living on my own on campus and hanging out with friends, I haven't been able to get to or accomplish some personal goals that I have. I really wanted to work out everyday or at least several times a week, but the gym is only open during meal times, and it is too dark early in the morning to get up and walk. Also, I really wanted to improve my math skills over the summer, but I haven't been able to do that at the desk, and I am really mentally exhausted at the end of the day. However, I have a lot of time to read, and for that I am glad. I'm hopefully going to buy my books for the fall in early July, so I'm excited for that as well. Although it's going to cost me a fortune. (and my firstborn child)

The guy-drama I had early in the year seems to be gone, although the person involved on campus for the summer has moments where he ticks me off. But I'm learning to take that with grace, and get over it.

Overall, the summer has been pretty good, I've been sort of busy and reading alot and spending some quality time with friends. It's day 31, and I'm looking forward to seeing what God has in store for the rest of the summer.