I see news stories on the television of white cops beating innocent black people. I see people around me at college complain how they would get more financial aid if they were from an asian country. I see people on my Tumblr dash white washing Korean actors, thinking to be "white" is the epitome of beauty. I watch books made into movies where the directors have cast white actors in roles that were intended for someone of a different skin color. And I am ashamed to be white.
I see little children avoid kids with darker skin as if they were not human. I hear my grandfather talk about how "black people" are less intelligent, and watch my acquaintances look down on others that do not share their nationality. I hear my friends stereotype others of different color. And I am ashamed to be white.
I look at myself, and how I have lived in America all my life, this "free" country. I look at my white skin and blonde hair, wishing I was someone else. I am told that I am "privileged". But I am ashamed to be white.
I feel ashamed. I hate my skin color and what it stands for. I feel that I am trash, but then I remember. I am not a cop beating innocent people. I do not blame my lack of funds on international preference in college. I do not white wash or wish for actors to be whitewashed. I do not purposely wish people to be a different skin color. Yes, I am white, but that is my skin color.
I do not avoid people because they are not white. I believe that all people are capable of being intelligent, and I love people from around the world. I try not to stereotype anyone, and I attempt to appreciate a person for who they are, not their nationality. Yes, I am white, but that is my skin color.
I am not worth less than people of color. White is my color. I am not privileged. I am not racist. And I am not ashamed.
Friday, July 24, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
I Choose You! Choosing Your Friendships for Life
Friendships define us, and they help us discover who we are, and our purpose in life. I am the kind of person that likes to make friendships for life, a lot of the friends I have now at college I hope to be friends with long term, and I invest more time in my college friends due to distance and the amount of time we spend together.When I started college, I came in with the mindset that I needed to be friends with everyone, and that I needed to be friends with anyone. Coming from a home-schooled household, I was not used to being around a lot of people, and did not realize that I do not need to and should not attempt to befriend everyone. I have come to realize this now. The fact is, that you need to choose your friends because they will influence you for life, either positively or negatively. I have learned that I cannot be friends with just anyone.
I have encountered a person, (I am referring to as K) that I choose not to encounter, but run in to a lot because they are on campus for the summer, that I do not want to be friends with anymore. After some drama spring semester and in May when K confronted me and told me that he knew that I didn't like him, (asking why I didn't) I have sought to avoid this person, and began to notice a lot of things about him that I did not like and found ways in which K annoyed me constantly. So much so, that I began to obsess over him, constantly thinking about him and why he annoyed me. I felt the need to excuse myself all the time for not liking K, thinking that I didn't "not like" him for the right reasons, such as looks, manners, etc. I now avoid him, because the more I am around him the more I think about him, and I need to move on from this situation, because he does NOT control my life, and I am letting K do that.
I talked with my mom about this situation on Thursday of last week. She made me realize that I do have to choose my friends and that I had misplaced K in my "friends spectrum". She drew on the back of her napkin a little dot, which was me, and then drew rings around me. "This ring," (referring to the one closest to me), "is your close friends, this outer ring is your other friends, and this largest outer ring is your acquaintances. When you found out K liked you, you tried thinking about him in this circle", (pointing to the one closest to me), when in reality he is in your acquaintance circle. You need to put him back out here", she said, pointing to the outermost circle.
I quickly realized that she was right, and I needed to put K in perspective. I came to see from this experience that I wasn't careful in building friendships, and as a result, had put myself into a difficult and extremely annoying situation. Last semester I thought I needed to try to make new friends outside of the ones I had, and failed to understand that I should value the relationship that I already had. I neglected the relationships that really mattered the most to me, and tried to form closer relationships with people I realize now were not making me a better person. I did not feel edified from being in their company, they did not make me understand myself or help me become a better person. And I knew that I didn't "click" with them, there was no initial attraction or desire to personally be their friends.
It was after spring semester that I realized that it is necessary to a certain degree, that you choose your friends. You need friends who are going to make you a better person and help you in your walk with the Lord. Your friends should be encouraging your to do the right thing, and to glorify God in your life, and you should, to a certain degree, be able to set good examples for eachother and help eachother to make good choices.
Aside from the Christian standpoint, Forbes actually published an article on reasons why you should choose your friends, and I thought that they were good guidelines. They are as follows:
1. Strong willed friends can help you increase your self-control
2. Having fewer friends increases the likelihood that you will take financial risks. (studies show that people that don't get adequate social interaction tend to unnecessarily spend money)
3. Too many connections on social media can increase your stress level
4. Close friends may be the secret to long life (personally I thought this one was a little silly, but apparently studies show that people with really good close friends live longer)
5. Friends greatly influence your choices
(If you want to read the full article click here)
Basically, your friendships and relationships with people matter a lot. So we should take precautions and be aware of who we are spending most of our time with, and who we confide in the most.
 |
| Unfortunately this is the case. Not everyone likes everyone. |
I have encountered a person, (I am referring to as K) that I choose not to encounter, but run in to a lot because they are on campus for the summer, that I do not want to be friends with anymore. After some drama spring semester and in May when K confronted me and told me that he knew that I didn't like him, (asking why I didn't) I have sought to avoid this person, and began to notice a lot of things about him that I did not like and found ways in which K annoyed me constantly. So much so, that I began to obsess over him, constantly thinking about him and why he annoyed me. I felt the need to excuse myself all the time for not liking K, thinking that I didn't "not like" him for the right reasons, such as looks, manners, etc. I now avoid him, because the more I am around him the more I think about him, and I need to move on from this situation, because he does NOT control my life, and I am letting K do that.
 |
| No one is the boss of me expect God |
I talked with my mom about this situation on Thursday of last week. She made me realize that I do have to choose my friends and that I had misplaced K in my "friends spectrum". She drew on the back of her napkin a little dot, which was me, and then drew rings around me. "This ring," (referring to the one closest to me), "is your close friends, this outer ring is your other friends, and this largest outer ring is your acquaintances. When you found out K liked you, you tried thinking about him in this circle", (pointing to the one closest to me), when in reality he is in your acquaintance circle. You need to put him back out here", she said, pointing to the outermost circle.
 |
| What I want to say to K, but instead I'm passive aggressive about it |
I quickly realized that she was right, and I needed to put K in perspective. I came to see from this experience that I wasn't careful in building friendships, and as a result, had put myself into a difficult and extremely annoying situation. Last semester I thought I needed to try to make new friends outside of the ones I had, and failed to understand that I should value the relationship that I already had. I neglected the relationships that really mattered the most to me, and tried to form closer relationships with people I realize now were not making me a better person. I did not feel edified from being in their company, they did not make me understand myself or help me become a better person. And I knew that I didn't "click" with them, there was no initial attraction or desire to personally be their friends.
 |
| Like, I've found myself quite bored with them, frankly |
It was after spring semester that I realized that it is necessary to a certain degree, that you choose your friends. You need friends who are going to make you a better person and help you in your walk with the Lord. Your friends should be encouraging your to do the right thing, and to glorify God in your life, and you should, to a certain degree, be able to set good examples for eachother and help eachother to make good choices.
"Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals."" - 1 Corinthians 15:33
"Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man" - Proverbs 22:24
"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." - Proverbs 27:17
Aside from the Christian standpoint, Forbes actually published an article on reasons why you should choose your friends, and I thought that they were good guidelines. They are as follows:
1. Strong willed friends can help you increase your self-control
2. Having fewer friends increases the likelihood that you will take financial risks. (studies show that people that don't get adequate social interaction tend to unnecessarily spend money)
3. Too many connections on social media can increase your stress level
4. Close friends may be the secret to long life (personally I thought this one was a little silly, but apparently studies show that people with really good close friends live longer)
5. Friends greatly influence your choices
(If you want to read the full article click here)
Basically, your friendships and relationships with people matter a lot. So we should take precautions and be aware of who we are spending most of our time with, and who we confide in the most.
 |
| Have an awesome day! And appreciate your good friends. |
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Why I am for Divorce
Until coming to college, I hadn't realized that people's opinions could vary so greatly. I knew that people were different and therefore thought differently from things of course, but it hadn't really clicked in my head that people could disagree to the point of heated discussion, and I didn't realize that I could get so upset about someone disagreeing with me on a topic that I think to be elementary. I suppose I kind of was shocked when I started school because I grew up homeschooled and did not have much exposure to different kinds of people and beliefs, and as with any child, before you form your own beliefs you first accept those of your parents, or people who look after you. I didn't start forming my own opinions strongly or realizing that I thought differently from others until college.
Recently this summer I have been exposed to several opinions of others on apparently controversial topics that I disagree with, one of them being divorce. A person who I do not wish to spend company with recently told me with a definite tone of voice that there are very few reasons for divorce. He backed himself up with bible verses. Or, rather, he said that he disagreed with divorce because of "biblical reasons".
This is what I currently believe on this topic. I will continue to pray about my opinion and ask God for answers, and to pray for my mother, who is trapped in a marriage with someone who dishonors God with seemingly everything he does, and is constantly hurting my family.
Recently this summer I have been exposed to several opinions of others on apparently controversial topics that I disagree with, one of them being divorce. A person who I do not wish to spend company with recently told me with a definite tone of voice that there are very few reasons for divorce. He backed himself up with bible verses. Or, rather, he said that he disagreed with divorce because of "biblical reasons".
"To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife." - 1 Corinthians 7:10-11
"31 "It has been said, 'Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.'32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." - Matthew 5:31-32
"He said to them, “Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.”"- Matthew 19:3-12Obviously from these passages, divorce is not ideal, and it is not what God wants. I am struggling with this topic, and I refuse to believe that what these passages are ultimately saying is that divorce is only "acceptable" when it is dealing with adultery. I have several reasons for this:
1. I CANNOT believe that God intends for someone divorced to never remarry. How does this match the character of God? So he wants us to remain unhappy for the rest of our lives, being bound by someone who does NOT honor God?
2. I CANNOT believe that God intends for us to stay with a spouse who is abusive in verbal and physical situations and appears to have no true desire to change/is not changing.
3. I REFUSE to believe that God wants us to stay with someone at the expense of others, when there is no love or God - honoring relationship. i.e children.
4. I CANNOT believe that adultery is the only reason for divorce.This does not match the character of God. Why would he want us to stay in a relationship that isn't honoring him? Now, I am not saying that divorce should be taken lightly and seen as an "easy" escape from problems in a relationship. But if both you and the spouse have tried to solve your problem to no avail, or your spouse sees no need for remedy. IT IS TIME for a divorce. The marriage is no longer a marriage, because you are not keeping your covenant to one another, and as a result, your marriage is no longer honoring God the way marriage is supposed to.
This is what I currently believe on this topic. I will continue to pray about my opinion and ask God for answers, and to pray for my mother, who is trapped in a marriage with someone who dishonors God with seemingly everything he does, and is constantly hurting my family.
Monday, July 13, 2015
War and Peace: I attempt to conquer a masterpiece
Sometime shortly before last week I began reading Leo Tolstoy's book, War and Peace. I was looking for books to read at the desk this summer while working, and found this title on a summer reading list. I did not know what I was getting myself into. This book is some 1250 pages long, and follows the lives a few young people during the Napoleon era. I am about a fourth of the way through the book, and since I have started it, I wondered if I would give up on attempting to make this book #9 of the summer, but I have decided to stay with it. I got caught up in the story lines of the characters, and am much looking forward to seeing how the rest of the plot turns out.It's not an "easy read", however, I am finding it easier than people have told me about it, everyone who sees me reading this book thinks I am crazy for picking this book as a summer reading. I am finding that I am a bit confused with the book at some points since Leo Tolstoy calls the same character by like 5 different names, leaving me something like this:
 | ||||
| Me when a Count in the book has like 6 names |
Friday, July 10, 2015
God Made Me Special
Since starting college, I have grown greatly in my understanding of self confidence, and have come to understand that it is important to maintain a healthy sense of self pride and confidence, and that I am not created to be critical of myself constantly. I still have a huge problem with this. I become obsessed with what others think of me, and I believe that I look awkward and weird to others, so I am constantly preoccupied with what other people see when they look at me and what conclusions they come to about me when I spend time with them. It takes me a long time to trust people, and when I am in a group of new people or people I do not know very well, I am extremely nervous and do not know how to react.
Perhaps this is something that everyone struggles with, but I feel like I have more of a problem with this than others. I always feel sort of trapped because I do not think that my physical appearance is up to par and I am constantly measuring myself and comparing myself to others. I have a severe problem with acne, probably because I touch my face too much, with rock-bottoms any self esteem I might have, especially around others. I feel that I can never look pretty because of my skin problems and the fact that I'm slightly overweight and really short. I do realize that if I didn't have this skin problem I'd probably find something else to complain about, but it's hard to face myself in the mirror sometimes, and I never feel good looking or confident about my appearance.
I've never had a boyfriend, I seem to attract the kind of guy that I'm not attracted to, so I always end up getting disappointed or hurt or wondering if maybe I'm wrong for not liking the guy that likes me. I wonder if maybe my standards are too high, because I am not that great of a person to begin with. What if I am expecting to be with someone who is actually above me in looks and personality? What if I am no better than these people who like me that I don't find attractive and that is my problem? Am I actually too proud, or just stupid. Who knows.
I know that God has a plan for me, and I can do things. But I fight this. I made the Dean's List this past year and had all A's and one B this past semester, making my GPA about a 3.8 out of 4.0 overall. But I felt guilty about it, saying that I just had easy classes, and that was the reason why my grades were good. While my classes might have been easy, that does not mean that I didn't earn what I got. I immediately discredit myself when I accomplish something, excusing it away by some ridiculous circumstance. Why do I do this? Isn't God glorified when I do well and when I use the abilities he gave me? This is a daily struggle I deal with and one that I am afraid I will never conquer in my lifetime.
I'm deadly afraid of social interaction with people I'm nervous around. I avoid I guy that I know likes me, even though I have already told him that I do not feel that way. I know that they worst that can happen is that I will tell him I don't like him, again, but I still feel the need to avoid him in every way possible. I stress out about being in a situation alone with a guy friend, or a person that I do not know well, because I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of interaction with the opposite sex, I can't just relax and be friends because I'm afraid of coming off as flirty.
I hate myself but at the same time love myself for my interests. For the longest time I hid from people that I liked Korean music, K-drama, and anime, because I thought they would judge me for it, or think that I was someone who has some sort of fetish for Asians. Only recently have I been able to tell people my interests without waiting for judgement that usually doesn't come. But I love that I like these things. The fact that I like a variety of eccentric interests is what makes me me. But I was afraid of letting people see that side of me and hid, and prevented myself from potentially making friends because I seemed to have no personality.
I've been turned off to being a nerd recently because I don't want to be labeled as someone who has problems with social interaction. Even though I've been told that I don't have said problems, I still feel that I do, and in that, I'm not trusting my friends, and my mother. I felt hurt that people wanted me to be with a guy that I felt had very poor social skills, and is very much a nerd, (also in my major) and I wondered if I was the same (level) as him. I thought this even though I was told the opposite. Why was I so afraid of this? Because this is something I am always insecure about. I've been told by others that I am fun to be around, I look like someone anyone could talk to, and seem mature. But I refuse to believe this, and continue to judge myself and others, wrongly.
I am who I am. God made me to be this person with these interests, worldviews, and friends. He gave me my love for reading, k-pop, and Doctor Who, but he also gave me His love, His Word, and the love of my mother and my friends. He gave me a passion and an interest in different cultures and getting to know the international students here on my college campus, and he gave me a love for technology, and the skills. This is who God made me to be, and it is my duty to accept who I am, and accept others and glorify God by loving them. Each person is different, and I found myself relying too much on stereotypes instead of seeing people and myself as individuals. Who cares if the people in my computer science major have a reputation and the stereotype of being bad at social interaction. I KNOW deep down I do not, because I have been told so by many people who love me and would not lie to me. So I can go forth, with courage, to become the person God plans for me to be.
"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised."
(Hebrews 10:35-36 - ESV)
 |
| I'm terrible at public speaking |
Perhaps this is something that everyone struggles with, but I feel like I have more of a problem with this than others. I always feel sort of trapped because I do not think that my physical appearance is up to par and I am constantly measuring myself and comparing myself to others. I have a severe problem with acne, probably because I touch my face too much, with rock-bottoms any self esteem I might have, especially around others. I feel that I can never look pretty because of my skin problems and the fact that I'm slightly overweight and really short. I do realize that if I didn't have this skin problem I'd probably find something else to complain about, but it's hard to face myself in the mirror sometimes, and I never feel good looking or confident about my appearance.
I've never had a boyfriend, I seem to attract the kind of guy that I'm not attracted to, so I always end up getting disappointed or hurt or wondering if maybe I'm wrong for not liking the guy that likes me. I wonder if maybe my standards are too high, because I am not that great of a person to begin with. What if I am expecting to be with someone who is actually above me in looks and personality? What if I am no better than these people who like me that I don't find attractive and that is my problem? Am I actually too proud, or just stupid. Who knows.
I know that God has a plan for me, and I can do things. But I fight this. I made the Dean's List this past year and had all A's and one B this past semester, making my GPA about a 3.8 out of 4.0 overall. But I felt guilty about it, saying that I just had easy classes, and that was the reason why my grades were good. While my classes might have been easy, that does not mean that I didn't earn what I got. I immediately discredit myself when I accomplish something, excusing it away by some ridiculous circumstance. Why do I do this? Isn't God glorified when I do well and when I use the abilities he gave me? This is a daily struggle I deal with and one that I am afraid I will never conquer in my lifetime.
 | |
| Me whenever I try to do something and look smart |
I'm deadly afraid of social interaction with people I'm nervous around. I avoid I guy that I know likes me, even though I have already told him that I do not feel that way. I know that they worst that can happen is that I will tell him I don't like him, again, but I still feel the need to avoid him in every way possible. I stress out about being in a situation alone with a guy friend, or a person that I do not know well, because I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of interaction with the opposite sex, I can't just relax and be friends because I'm afraid of coming off as flirty.
 |
| I never know what to say, and what I do say sounds dumb |
I hate myself but at the same time love myself for my interests. For the longest time I hid from people that I liked Korean music, K-drama, and anime, because I thought they would judge me for it, or think that I was someone who has some sort of fetish for Asians. Only recently have I been able to tell people my interests without waiting for judgement that usually doesn't come. But I love that I like these things. The fact that I like a variety of eccentric interests is what makes me me. But I was afraid of letting people see that side of me and hid, and prevented myself from potentially making friends because I seemed to have no personality.
 |
| I have no idea where this is from but it's cute |
I've been turned off to being a nerd recently because I don't want to be labeled as someone who has problems with social interaction. Even though I've been told that I don't have said problems, I still feel that I do, and in that, I'm not trusting my friends, and my mother. I felt hurt that people wanted me to be with a guy that I felt had very poor social skills, and is very much a nerd, (also in my major) and I wondered if I was the same (level) as him. I thought this even though I was told the opposite. Why was I so afraid of this? Because this is something I am always insecure about. I've been told by others that I am fun to be around, I look like someone anyone could talk to, and seem mature. But I refuse to believe this, and continue to judge myself and others, wrongly.
I am who I am. God made me to be this person with these interests, worldviews, and friends. He gave me my love for reading, k-pop, and Doctor Who, but he also gave me His love, His Word, and the love of my mother and my friends. He gave me a passion and an interest in different cultures and getting to know the international students here on my college campus, and he gave me a love for technology, and the skills. This is who God made me to be, and it is my duty to accept who I am, and accept others and glorify God by loving them. Each person is different, and I found myself relying too much on stereotypes instead of seeing people and myself as individuals. Who cares if the people in my computer science major have a reputation and the stereotype of being bad at social interaction. I KNOW deep down I do not, because I have been told so by many people who love me and would not lie to me. So I can go forth, with courage, to become the person God plans for me to be.
"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised."
(Hebrews 10:35-36 - ESV)
 |
| After this long post, I have decided that my only fault is my addiction to coffee |
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Reply 1997 Review
I finished Reply 1997 last week, I must confess it took me less than 9
days to finish this Korean drama. I am not proud to admit that I have
been spending most of my free time after work watching Korean drama, but
hey, I won't have time during the school year to watch anything so I
might as well enjoy it while I can.
(Possible spoilers ahead)
I loved Reply 1997 - it didn't follow the typical Korean drama recipe - the main guy isn't a rich snob who hates everyone and then falls in love with the poor girl. I have to say that this drama is probably one of my favorite Korean dramas so far, because it is unique, and all the characters had so much development through the show, and were relatable to me. The show felt like it could have been an actual real-life story.
It made me laugh so hard, sometimes I wondered what my roommate thinks of me - ah well, she's knows I'm weird just from the fact that I watch Korean drama. While there were times the show frustrated the heck out of me, it had a very satisfying ending, and a good rap up for all of the lives of the different characters in the story. I fell in love with the side characters, ( the dad was probably my favorite, he's hilarious) and the 90's heavy atmosphere of the show. All of those old phones, haha.
Its an awesome show about growing up and discovering what it means to be yourself, while maturing and learning about love. It's also a show about how important friendships are, and what it means to be a good friend. In short, I loved this show so much, and recommend it to everyone.
(Possible spoilers ahead)
I loved Reply 1997 - it didn't follow the typical Korean drama recipe - the main guy isn't a rich snob who hates everyone and then falls in love with the poor girl. I have to say that this drama is probably one of my favorite Korean dramas so far, because it is unique, and all the characters had so much development through the show, and were relatable to me. The show felt like it could have been an actual real-life story.
It made me laugh so hard, sometimes I wondered what my roommate thinks of me - ah well, she's knows I'm weird just from the fact that I watch Korean drama. While there were times the show frustrated the heck out of me, it had a very satisfying ending, and a good rap up for all of the lives of the different characters in the story. I fell in love with the side characters, ( the dad was probably my favorite, he's hilarious) and the 90's heavy atmosphere of the show. All of those old phones, haha.
Its an awesome show about growing up and discovering what it means to be yourself, while maturing and learning about love. It's also a show about how important friendships are, and what it means to be a good friend. In short, I loved this show so much, and recommend it to everyone.
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