The Oncoming Storm

          I sit here on a cement block, but the world around me is far from industrial. Surrounded in green, the grass blows quietly in the breeze on an oncoming storm. The air is heavy, yet cool, attempting to relax my body to a sort of sleep as I write. My body sighs as I look around, gray and blue are relaxation colors. Small drops of mist fall from a gray cotton sky, comforting but at the same time somewhat ominous, like there is something behind the innocent drops. Rain is coming, approaching from the distance, and tension is building, but the world is quiet, enveloped in a sort of intense calm. Everyone is waiting in silence, listening, for the storm to come and pass.
          I love the short time before a storm, the atmosphere is relaxing to me and seems to fend away my stress. This is curious, considering the sky is building up to a storm, waiting to be led out. Occasionally I think the clouds predict my feelings, often the sky opens up when I’m feeling my worst. I become the conductor of water bound in wind, and my attitude becomes the rain. I feel a stronger connection to rain than I do to sunshine, life is not always bright and vibrant, but can be dark and seemingly colorless. Rain is always constant, and so the feeling of rain is more relatable to me.
          Waiting for a rainstorm is like waiting to cry. As the world is covered in gray, you anticipate the tears, but fight them, not wanting to admit that side of yourself. But when they come, you sigh, experiencing exponential relief, and the sky is released from its waiting. Perhaps this is why we love rain when we are sad, and why we feel we control rain. It is nearly a substitute for tears, we sometimes feel better after seeing rain, because the water from the sky brings a sort of freshness that gives us hope. It is almost as if the Earth cries for you, as if it feels your pain and wants to sooth it.
           The smell of rain is ten times stronger now, the mist is heavier - the rain storm is coming any moment. The world waits with one feeling, the anticipation of the rainstorm. The atmosphere is a blurred painting made up of blue and gray, and the mist makes the Earth look seemingly like an impressionists painting. It makes me wonder what the view is like from a tree top. Would it appear more abstract? I hurry up and pack up my books and pencil, not wanting my things to get wet. I sniff as I stand up - the smell of rain is almost as breathtaking as the smell of an old book. Deep breaths to take in the smell before I leave. Rain is beautiful, I think, and I would stay in it forever if I could.

To the Singer

Quietly, observing, waiting, hoping
To you I'm still invisible
I watch you laughing, dancing, singing,
Hoping one day you'll say hello

I'm too afraid to talk to you -
I go over phrases in my head
Try to come up with something new
But I scare myself instead

I know your smile well,
it lightens up my day
I don't know exactly when I fell,
But its too late to run away

I know I'm still invisible,
You'll probably never see me,
So sing for all eternal,
With the same bright voice of glee.

Self Confidence, or the Lack Of

So, hello, I am no longer a music major. I am officially a Computer and Information science major. It's funny that I'm in the mathematical sciences department and I absolutely hate math. I suppose I should explain this random extreme change in degree choices. So here goes.

It was that one class. 

So all the music majors have to take a class called "Keyboarding" which is preparation for the Piano proficiency test that all music majors have to pass. Me, being a piano major, was put in the Advanced Keyboarding Class. Advanced? Joke of the semester.

I do not know scales, or key signatures. Or the circle of 5th's. Or intervals. Everyone else in that class did. Here's the catch - I was going to have to learn all of them by the end of the month so I could pass the exam. Needless to say, I was freaking out. How does one do that anyway - I had never really taken theory and my old piano teacher never taught me scales. It was beginning to really stress me out. I was going to have to play in juries, and one of my voice classes required a solo. It was entirely too much pressure, especially for a first-year in college and someone who had never been in a classroom setting.

That aside, I was only a B.A in music, not education or performance. Job? No.

That class planted the seed of doubt in myself I had had been playing with for a while. I listened to all the other piano majors practicing - they even messed up pretty (if at all...while practicing). 

So, after a lot of tears (and I mean a lot, and in front of my advisor), I changed my major to CIS and I'm now minoring in music. I think I made the right decision, but I failed to note some things about my self that were very important - I had completely no self-confidence.

1. I was the only first-year piano major

Those piano majors in the practice rooms? All upperclassmen. So I was comparing myself to upperclassmen. Yeah, probably shouldn't have done that.

2. I DID pass the audition.

Yeah, what happened to that? In a teary conversation with my advisor, she told me that I had auditioned very well and she thought I had a lot of talent. She told me I didn't give myself enough credit.

3. Just because I'm a CIS major doesn't mean I can't pursue piano.

Contrary to popular belief, you DO NOT have to major in what you love the most. Sure, I actually really love technology, but I also really love piano. (they wouldn't let me double major.) Also, my piano teacher/advisor told me she still considers me a piano major, and is going to have me learn all the same things the piano majors are learning. So, basically, piano major with out the degree certificate. 

So basically, I lacked self-confidence, and I got scared. I started to switch my major for the wrong reasons. However, now I feel like I made the right decision in the long run for my future - now I can pursue music without all the pressure.

So anyways, I guess the point of this post was have self-confidence?

My next post will be on K-Pop...