Since starting college, I have grown greatly in my understanding of self confidence, and have come to understand that it is important to maintain a healthy sense of self pride and confidence, and that I am not created to be critical of myself constantly. I still have a huge problem with this. I become obsessed with what others think of me, and I believe that I look awkward and weird to others, so I am constantly preoccupied with what other people see when they look at me and what conclusions they come to about me when I spend time with them. It takes me a long time to trust people, and when I am in a group of new people or people I do not know very well, I am extremely nervous and do not know how to react.
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| I'm terrible at public speaking |
Perhaps this is something that everyone struggles with, but I feel like I have more of a problem with this than others. I always feel sort of trapped because I do not think that my physical appearance is up to par and I am constantly measuring myself and comparing myself to others. I have a severe problem with acne, probably because I touch my face too much, with rock-bottoms any self esteem I might have, especially around others. I feel that I can never look pretty because of my skin problems and the fact that I'm slightly overweight and really short. I do realize that if I didn't have this skin problem I'd probably find something else to complain about, but it's hard to face myself in the mirror sometimes, and I never feel good looking or confident about my appearance.
I've never had a boyfriend, I seem to attract the kind of guy that I'm not attracted to, so I always end up getting disappointed or hurt or wondering if maybe I'm wrong for not liking the guy that likes me. I wonder if maybe my standards are too high, because I am not that great of a person to begin with. What if I am expecting to be with someone who is actually above me in looks and personality? What if I am no better than these people who like me that I don't find attractive and that is my problem? Am I actually too proud, or just stupid. Who knows.
I know that God has a plan for me, and I can do things. But I fight this. I made the Dean's List this past year and had all A's and one B this past semester, making my GPA about a 3.8 out of 4.0 overall. But I felt guilty about it, saying that I just had easy classes, and that was the reason why my grades were good. While my classes might have been easy, that does not mean that I didn't earn what I got. I immediately discredit myself when I accomplish something, excusing it away by some ridiculous circumstance. Why do I do this? Isn't God glorified when I do well and when I use the abilities he gave me? This is a daily struggle I deal with and one that I am afraid I will never conquer in my lifetime.
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| Me whenever I try to do something and look smart |
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I'm deadly afraid of social interaction with people I'm nervous around. I avoid I guy that I know likes me, even though I have already told him that I do not feel that way. I know that they worst that can happen is that I will tell him I don't like him, again, but I still feel the need to avoid him in every way possible. I stress out about being in a situation alone with a guy friend, or a person that I do not know well, because I don't know what to say. I'm afraid of interaction with the opposite sex, I can't just relax and be friends because I'm afraid of coming off as flirty.
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| I never know what to say, and what I do say sounds dumb |
I hate myself but at the same time love myself for my interests. For the longest time I hid from people that I liked Korean music, K-drama, and anime, because I thought they would judge me for it, or think that I was someone who has some sort of fetish for Asians. Only recently have I been able to tell people my interests without waiting for judgement that usually doesn't come. But I love that I like these things. The fact that I like a variety of eccentric interests is what makes me me. But I was afraid of letting people see that side of me and hid, and prevented myself from potentially making friends because I seemed to have no personality.
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| I have no idea where this is from but it's cute |
I've been turned off to being a nerd recently because I don't want to be labeled as someone who has problems with social interaction. Even though I've been told that I don't have said problems, I still feel that I do, and in that, I'm not trusting my friends, and my mother. I felt hurt that people wanted me to be with a guy that I felt had very poor social skills, and is very much a nerd, (also in my major) and I wondered if I was the same (level) as him. I thought this even though I was told
the opposite. Why was I so afraid of this? Because this is something I am always insecure about. I've been told by others that I am fun to be around, I look like someone anyone could talk to, and seem mature. But I refuse to believe this, and continue to judge myself and others, wrongly.
I am who I am. God made me to be this person with these interests, worldviews, and friends. He gave me my love for reading, k-pop, and Doctor Who, but he also gave me His love, His Word, and the love of my mother and my friends. He gave me a passion and an interest in different cultures and getting to know the international students here on my college campus, and he gave me a love for technology, and the skills. This is who God made me to be, and it is my duty to accept who I am, and accept others and glorify God by loving them. Each person is different, and I found myself relying too much on stereotypes instead of seeing people and myself as individuals. Who cares if the people in my computer science major have a reputation and the stereotype of being bad at social interaction. I KNOW deep down I do not, because I have been told so by many people who love me and would not lie to me. So I can go forth, with courage, to become the person God plans for me to be.
"Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised."
(Hebrews 10:35-36 - ESV)
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| After this long post, I have decided that my only fault is my addiction to coffee |
Sometime shortly before last week I began reading Leo Tolstoy's book, War and Peace. I was looking for books to read at the desk this summer while working, and found this title on a summer reading list. I did not know what I was getting myself into. This book is some 1250 pages long, and follows the lives a few young people during the Napoleon era. I am about a fourth of the way through the book, and since I have started it, I wondered if I would give up on attempting to make this book #9 of the summer, but I have decided to stay with it. I got caught up in the story lines of the characters, and am much looking forward to seeing how the rest of the plot turns out.
